because I an already tired of saying nothing again and again!
If I aim for an imaginery blog to be a release, then I must imagine that I have intent. my intent here is release. my intent is silliness. my intent is to be unserious. and so I can say something and say it unseriously. the thing I say is that I get tired of serious things. but I must be unserious about saying it, because I said I would before. but now I realize that internal consistency is too serious. and so I am unserious about my claim.
thats why I say that I want to pivot. this whole website is a loop that breaks itself off at random intervals. and each time that I imagine a direction, I say to myself that I cannot be too serious.
why? because I decided. and because I want to exist in a fantasy outside of aesthetics. the least aesthetically pleasing thing that I can create is the least glamourous.
I naturally incline towards glamour. And glamour is serious. or it isnt. but I had to connect the two ideas. I think that image is more accurate to my mindset.
Or alienation. not through antisocial behavior. not through provokation. not through trangressive practices. I am seeking alienation through dullness.
Here is a page that follows no aesthetic rules. I am using a generic squarespace template with white text on black backdrop. I am not trying to write with any particular depth.
I am trying to be dull. and I am trying to be dull because I am tired of how shiny everything is. and I love being shiny. so I try to be dull.
this is the only actually descriptive thing that I have shared here. everything else was just a formula. the formula was to list some things, then to contradict something. and sometimes there would be an image.
I have always kept train of thought notes for myself. I have thousands of pages from my life since I was in high school. And yet here is my first time in several years at least putting anything close to a personal thought process online. I wanted for a moment to just end this blog because I said what is the point of this nothing?
Then I remembered that there was at least some core intent that had encouraged me into this form. That intent was to actually share something personal and without any technical or aesthetic modifications.
I honestly dont know if I will want to do this again. I understand that most people who write things are expected to understand the essay format. I do not.
I see this page as a comedy. and I only see it as a comedy because it is a release. I post pictures of multicam setups and label the actors as cameras. I list the year as being 1500 years before I remember what year I wrote down. I post a picture of a frog statue that I distorted. and a procreate pocket edit where I zoomed in on poirot’s eyes and then repeated them a lot because I was trying to figure out how many lights they were using to get the crazy reflections in his perfectly spherical eyeballs.
so it was always silly. I dont remember too much else other than random numbers. I started with the date and time, just with no spaces to make it more illegible. the I would sometimes count or just list numbers. this blog is not an arg.
I do not have the mental capacity to make an arg.
This blog is just so far the imagination of a moment of time every so often. and a way to divert myself from deciding on any micro-projects to share when I am low on dopamine. my micro-projects still get completed and then they upload to a cloud or sit on a harddrive or a page or a canvas or a finger or an anything.
I only very rarely put out anything like this text that I am posting now honestly primarily because of anxiety. It’s easier for me to feel comfortable sharing any thoughts or opinions surrounded by some sound or aesthetic. any feeling.
And I tend to get stuck in loops where I keep thinking about things I’ve said or posted or shared. and I try to work around those loops. keep working on whatever i work on. work. or something that is bright as daylight.
or sometimes I just start to count. And I count to somewhat high numbers.
It’s easiest for me to count to particularly large numbers if I think by year. I can start at 4500bc and try and make my way to today. I always realize how many blanks there are in my understanding of history. of the world or of anything.
when you count that high, it’s difficult to have thoughts about every single number. and sometimes it is jusr counting then.
I think that is where this post is leading to. It’s almost 2 am and I have nothing in the morning except to be my usual self. I have spent hopefully less than an hour here currently. part of me fills with anxiety when I think about putting this into thw world, even though that anxiety isnt tethered around one thought or idea.
so I will do what I do when I am stuck in a loop.
just as this website is stuck in a loop. I will break the loop. I will count.
oh no but wait. I have one final release. this release is the culmination of seconds worth of thought. the concept is not simple but the execution of the concept is extremely simple.
the concept is that I am a fish.
everyone thinks I am a fish. I think I am a fish. and I am a fish. and I count to a really high number.
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
this is easier in my head.
